god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
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