I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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