She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
