she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
