I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
How's work?
Spinning.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I pour the whiskey from now on
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
