he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
