I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
