I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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