I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
