You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
