He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
the liver wants what the liver wants
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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