my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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