just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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