well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Houston, we have a squirter
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
