You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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