so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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