The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
