I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
