Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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