I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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