Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
