hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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