i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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