I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
