The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
