We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
we made out on top of his cat.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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