I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
