i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
