I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
you had me at cake vodka
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
