I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
