My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
