Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
