Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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