I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
