I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
