shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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