If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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