the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
