I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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