You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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