I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
