Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
