I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
