I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
