I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
