She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize
