alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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