her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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