So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
