I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
