when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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