just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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